Dear Envy on the Coast,

Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons called. He wanted me to tell you guys to please stop making music.

Love,
FuckThatBand.com Staff

P.S. For another Simpsons related post, click HERE dawgz.

UPDATE: The band Incubus also just called me, they wanted me to tell Envy on the Coast that they want their songs back.

ZING!

BURN SAUCE!

In other news, pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world and its people's mindless games. So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame. Pardon me, pardon me... I'll never be the same!!!1!!

K THNX BYE

Oh shit! Have you heard the latest release from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I mean, The Friday Night Boys? I mean the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I mean, The Friday Night Boys? I mean the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I mean, The Friday Night Boys?

FUCK. AM I RIGHT?

INSERT COWABUNGA/PIZZA JOKE HERE.

In other news, check out all these other NINJA TURTLE posts:

POST ONE

POST TWO

AND POST THREE

Enjoy... or don't... we don't really give a shit either way. Just sayin'

Do you get invited to parties every fucking night like I do? If the answer is yes, then you NEED to read this blog that I am writing. I wrote it JUST FOR YOU (you're welcome).

Chances are, the party you are going to is going to SUCK DICK so it will be your job to turn it into a KEWL PARTY that is worth blogging about.

Step 1: CLOTHING! Here is the deal, your cracka ass is gonna get tagged on facebook whether you like it or not. With that being said, you better be rockin some CHILL ASS THREADS! Here is what you need to wear. Roll up in a phat ass 3OH3 varsity jacket. When it gets too hot to rock the jacket, take that shit off and show off your Ed Hardy tee. Don't have an Ed Hardy tee? It is totally ok, a UFC shirt will do just fine.

Step 2: MUSIC! Have you ever heard of BYOB (bring your own b33r)? Well, whatever party you attend you need to remember BYOM (bring your own music). With that being said, the only music you should listen to is 3OH3 because those jams are original and fresh and funky and if you don't listen to them then you are totes LAME SAUCE!!! Bring your 3OH3 cd with you! So, as soon as you get to the party, march over to the dude with the biggest muscles and demand he plays your 3OH3 cd and then punch him in square the face. Don't worry about him trying to fight you after the punch, once he sees you in that 3OH3 varsity jacket... he will respect you and prob give you a French kiss or tug job or a high five at the very least!

Step 3: PICK UP LINES! You want to fuck a girl (or guy) tonight? Sure you do. All you need to do is walk up to a fat bitch and spit her some romantic poetry. Here is the best line to use:

"Shush girl shut your lips, do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips."

She will most likely share her drugs with you (ecstasy) and ride your junk right in the middle of the dance floor. Sex on x? Mission accomplished, bro-seph!

In other news, I wanted to sincerely thank 3OH3 for their music. They are the best in the world. I hope they just keep getting bigger and bigger. I hope they go on tour with Bruce Springsteen or Bon Jovi (insert livin' on a prayer lolz).

In other OTHER news, who do you think is the best band in NJ HISTORY? Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, The Years Gone By or The Mongoloids? Hmmm. That is a hard one. Get at us via Twitter (@fuckthatband) and fuckin' tell us!!!!

I was doing some serious thinking earlier today... I really need to get me a new hat. Hats are super important (DJ Rossstar said so!). Only KEWL dudes wear hats. For example, the drummer of The Friday Night Boys, he is a fuckin kewl dude (insert Stars Hide Fire lolz). But for realsies, check out his totes awesome hat. If you know him, ask him If I could buy that hat off of him. I NEEEEED THAT HAT BAD!!!

Dude, If I had that hat, I could just walk into any Chili's Restaurant (ZAGAT RATED, ya know?) and the waitress would totes hook me up with a free order of BABY BACK RIBS!!! Fuck yea. Do you like BABY BACK RIBS??? Sure you do. I would do anything for dem baby back ribbies. Wanna get zany/wacky/kooky? Try marinating ur baby back ribs in heroine and crack! Mmmmmmm. I am salivating just thinking about that. Drugz and Ribz, get into it! But don't try stealing my recipe and selling it to Rachel Ray or Da F00d Netwerk or whatever cuz my recipe is (C) and if you ever try acting like you were the original creator of baby back ribs marinated in heroine and crack, I will shank you with a homemade shank that I made out of a broken Friday Night Boyz CD.

P.S. Have you guyz ever been to Jack In Da BoxXx (zagat rated I think?). Jack in Da Box iz g00d. TXT me later on if you wanna go to Jack In Da Boxxxxxxx with me. I can pick you up in my Dodge Neon. We can listen to The Friday Night Boys in my car. I mean, Boys Like Girls. I mean The Friday Night Boys. I mean Boys Like Girls. I mean The Friday Night Boys. I mean Boys Like Girls. I mean The Friday Night Boys. I mean Boys Like Girls. I mean The Friday Night Boys. I mean Boys Like Girls.

On Saturday I was trolling the mall with my besties and I was psyched times ten when I thought I found a *special edition* Lord of the Rings soundtrack featuring Frodo on the cover. Guess what, it WAS NOT a Lord of the Rings CD!!! In reality, it was a fuckin Anthony Green CD!!! I was so fuckin pissed off. I hate Anthony Green. That prick thinks he is hot like Frodo, well I got news, he IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FRODO!!! Pshhh.

I heart Frodo, he seriously puts the H & O & T in "hobbit." Anthony Green puts the U & G & L & Y in "ugly ball sack."

Speaking of ball sacks, I would rather rip open my ball sack with old/rusty guitar strings than listen to one second of Dear Child (I've Been Dying To Reach You). That song is so fuckin terrible.

I would rather drink six bottles of Listerine in five minutes than listen to five minutes of The Friday Night Boys. Just sayin' FUCKIN GET WASTEDDDDD!

Trippin' on Listerine > Listening to FNB

Seriously, The Friday Night Boys sound like a an even shittier version of Boys Like Girls. Is that even possible? Why can't more bands sound like Motionless In White? Motionless In White fuckin ROCK! Have you heard them yet? So good.

Ok, I gotta jet. Peace the FUCK out internet dorks, I got lots of shit I gotta get to. Don't believe me? Wanna read my TO DO LIST? Ok, here it is:

- Listen to more music by Motionless In White because I think I am getting too tan and I think that if I listen to more Motionless In White, I will become more pale and pale skin is fuckin RADICAL MAN!

- Drink some Listerine cuz I am totally "thirsting" for some "adventure" (whatever that means).

- Spike my hair so girls think I am rebellious.

- Write "Motionless In White fuckin rocks" on the back of my JanSport/ Trapper Keeper/ Five Star/ JNCO jeans/ etc with black sharpie marker so girls think I am rebellious.

- Get a job at the mall (Hot Topic plz) so I can take breaks in the food court because that shit is cool.

- Make lots of money at my mall job so I can finally pay my dad back (kinda sick of paying him back with sex).

- Make $3,500 so I can buy a brand new Apple laptop/ Mac laptop / Google laptop / Lego - Laptop / Flintstones Vitamins Laptop.

- Get an apartment so I can "get the fuck out of the house" and listen to The Maine as loud as I want to without my old ass grandma yelling at me and calling me a "devil worshiper" and shit. Old bitch. Old bitches don't know about how sick The Maine is.

- Paint more pictures of quiet/peaceful landscapes (my doctor said that would be "therapeutic" or something).

- Lose 170 pounds by tomorrow night.

- Try to kick my Listerine addiction.

- Tell my mom I love her before "it's 2 late" and whatever.

Dear Surge Soda,

Miss you so much. We haven't talked in years, figured I'd write you a letter to let you know how shit is going.

Ever since you left us, planet Earth has turned to hell, omgz global warming, all the ice is melting, da polar bears are crying hard as hellll. But that news is NOTHING compared to how bad da music "scene" has been since you bounced. We now have bands like The Maine, 3oh!3, Family Force 5, Hit The Lights, and A Rocket To The Moon. Lyke, gag me with a sp00000n. kjdskjfdskjdsj (that wuz me throwing up on my Macbeth shoez)

Are all these shitty bands around because the human race just gave up all hope since Surge Soda left us? Maybe global warming is happening because of all of the shitty music sound waves that are trapped within the earths atmosphere and stuffzzz.

I am scared for 2009. Will Obama save us from da music? Will Obama start a band? Will his self titled 7inch go for 500 euro on ebay? Will his vinyl be limited edition hand numbered from 1 to 69. LOL at 69, obama is so funny for picking the number 69. Obama, you go boy!

In closing, Surge Soda, please get at Obama (send him a TXT message or some shit) and ask him to bring you back, this world needs you and your citrus explosion of flavor. Jus sayin'

Sincerely,
FuckThatBand.com Staff

Yesterday my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was happy to tell her but before I went on about what I wanted, I felt it was extremely important to tell her exactly what I didn't want. The following is my DO NOT FUCKING BUY ME THIS GARBAGE FOR CHRISTMAS list.

Do not get me any merchandise or CDs from the band Danger Radio. Mom, I would rather listen to you and dad have sex than listen to their music.

Do not get me a fucking Huffy bike. Mom, you are an asshole if you do that. You know that all my friends ride Mongoose Bikes hard as hell, so you best get Mongoose or so help me god.

Do not get me anything from the band 3OH!3. Mom, remember when I said that I would rather listen to you and dad have sex than listen to Danger Radio music? Well, I would rather actually have sex with you and dad than listen to 3OH!3 music.

And last but not least, mom, don't get me an Official SAT Study Guide. I told you before, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE!!! I got it all planned out, I sent my bands demo to Drive Thru Records already. I know they are going to sign us. I mean, come on, they signed Socratic for gods sake. Getting signed cant be THAT hard. I cannot wait to tour as soon as I graduate high school. Junior year SUXXXXXX but I am the co-captain of the JV bowling team so that is pretty chill.

Attention everyone, bust out your Chicago Bulls jerseys and throw your b-ballz in da air, Dennis Rodman has joined The Friday Night Boys!!!1!!! I totally saw them play last night and they sucked real bad but it was still phat as hell to see Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan moshing hard as hell. Them boyz got moves on the dance floor.

Anthony Green's new album "Avalon" is now available everywhere. Avalon can now be purchased at iTunes, Target, Hot Topic, Best Buy, Burger King, and the Photo Finish Records webstore.

The album is awesome if you are into music that sounds like it is being sung by a ghost with a high pitched voice throwing his broken acoustic guitar against an oak tree on fire. Ya know what I mean?

But seriously though, he gots a DVD coming out in the future... jump on it man. The shit is gonna rock harder than the The Office - Season One (jay kayyyy).

But really though, school starts in September so you better click your ass over to this link (EDIT: this link is now dead, boo!) so you can purchase your very own Macbeth Anthony Green Studio Projects Jackson Shoes. What am I talking about? Anthony Green has his own shoes. No joke. So if you want to be crowned homecoming king this fall at your awesome high school... you best be getting these shoes. Chicks will dig you hard as hell. They be all like "OMG, book the hotel right now for after the prom. I don't give a shit that prom is like 10 months away, since you got Anthony Green shoes I am totally gonna go to the prom with you and then have sex with you after the prom!"