OMGZ guys do you know what I LOVE more than anything on earth, like even more than watching my dog lick his own balls? TRIVIA GAMES!!!! Let's do this. I'll start.

Question: What is LIGHTS hiding underneath her totally awesome hipster scarf/Canadian flag-turned headband/doo rag thingy ma-jigg?

A) Exposed brain

B) A big THUG LIFE tattoo across her forehead?

C) An electrical socket that her Nintendo controller plugs into.

D) Premature female pattern baldness.

Answer: None of the above!! It's actually not even a headband. She was born that way, duh! That pink thing is totally growing out of her head, like a flat goiter, and it's been there forever, ever since she was a baby. Freeeakazoid. God I can't believe you didn't know that.

I am kinda nervous right now. There is all this talk about Swine Flu here in the United States of America em-MUR-ica. I am desperately trying my hardest to not get sick. I am too young to die.

Everyone I know is very conscious about their health lately, well, everyone but this guy from the ska/funk band called Hit the Lights. I'm not really sure what is wrong with him but I am scared as hell!!! The inside of his mouth has some sort of an infection growing!!! Is that some sort of contagious mold?!?! Not only does he HAVE a contagious mold growing in his mouth, BUT, he is SHOWING IT OFF?!?!?! Punk kidz R so0o0o0 strange-sauce!!!1!

I'll tell you what, you see that mold growing on the inside of his lip? Well, I would rather have that shit growing ALL OVER MY BODY than listen to one second of Hit the Lights. No joke.

But for realz, does anyone have any advice on how I can stay healthy and not catch Swine Flu or some other contagious diseases (i.e. mold growing on the inner part of my bottom lip)?

Here is what I got so far:

-Limited washing my hands to once a once a week

-Drink hand sanitizer

-Sneeze on my friends and cough on them

-Lick the wrestling mats at my high school after the wrestlers got done with practice

-Read the bible

I am pretty sure all that shit should keep me safe but DID I MISS ANY??? I need to stay alive because being alive is CHILL AS SHIT MAN. Agree/Disagree?

Do you like "reality" shows? I do. I like the TLC show Little People, Big World (DVR that shit). That family totally is so0o0o0o0o KOOKY! I just want to dip the little father in some chocolate and eat him. He would be the best candy ever. There would be a party in ma mouf.

Anyways, speaking about candy and television shows and whateverz, rumor around the rumor mill is that this band called Lights Out Dancing signed a deal with TLC. Apparently they have been filming their very own reality show called "Rotten Teeth / Rotten Music." The show takes viewers on an inside exclusive look at a band who loves to eat LOTS OF CANDY and loves to make LOTS OF SHITTY MUSIC. The show documents their siq sold out concerts (lol?) and it also documents every single visit to their dentist. I am hoping that the one singer dude has to get all of his teeth pulled out from all the cavities and shit, I am pretty sure if he is teeth-less, he will sound SOOOO MUCH BETTER. LOL? Yes LOL! LOLi pop? LOLi pop!

Do you like candy? I think candy might be the "future" of our "crumbling punk scene." I think that all record labels will shortly be going out of business soon as a result of CANDY BRANDS signing bands to super chill candy/record deals.

What CANDY BRAND do you want your band to be "signed" to? Abba Zabba Bar Records? ALTOIDS Records: the curiously strong record label? Kit Kat Records??????? Hmmm...

These two are just chillin' and shit. They just got done with Letters and Lights practice. Practice was CHILL. Anyways, after a radical practice sesh, they like to sit down on their shitty quality couch they got from IKEA! Do you like their IKEA couch??? It took them 3 weeks to put it together. IKEA is a Swedish word that means CHEAP SHIT THAT IS HARD TO PUT TOGETHER. All IKEA furniture comes in one million pieces and the whole "some assembly required" thing is totes RE-DIC. IKEA should just be honest with buyers and have the package say "lots of assembly is required and it will take 3 weeks to put this shit together."

Seriously though, Letters and Lights don't have time for lame shit like putting together a crappy couch. They are fuckin ROCK STARS man! They play some real technical shit. They invented the guitar. They invented singing. They invented music. Bow down to Letters and Lights.

Never heard of Letters and Lights? Pshhhh! R U dumb? They are fuckin HUGE! They played at my middle school talent show last year and totally ROCKED! There were almost 25 people watching them; it was PACKED!

Still don't know who they are? Well mother fucker, remember that talent show I was talking about? THEY FUCKIN WON SECOND PLACE! (They would have gotten first but that damn tap dancing kid in the wheelchair was actually pretty fuckin good!)

Seeing Letters and Lights play live was fuckin awesome ANDDDDDD guess what... the dude threw his guitar pick into the crowd and I got it!!! I turned the pick into a necklace. It looks SLAMMIN! I get chicks because of it.

Ok, gotta go now. I am real hungry. I might drive down to IKEA and attack the IKEA food court for some IKEA hot dogs or IKEA cinnamon buns. YUM! If you want to come with me, email me. I can pick you up but you gotta pitch in for some gas because I don't have much money because I am only 11 years old and no one wants to hire an 11 year old. Weird.

YO GUYZ the Internetz is getting so fucking crazy. Right now I am on an airplane cruising at an altitude of 30,000 feet, and I am updating my blog. I am seriously losing my mind with joyfulness. I am more joyful than the plastic looking flight attendant that just served me a Bloody Mary. The drinking age on all Virgin flights is 16. Isn't that KEWL?

Speaking of virgins, I am flying across the country to see City Lights play live. Why am I traveling so far? Well, I am hoping to become de-flowered by one of the members!!! Duh! Being a virgin SUX more than ANYTHING!!!

I was saving myself for Kevin Jonas Brother, but he is engaged to some big-haired Jersey hick hair-extension specialist. I just can't save my hymen 'til after they get divorced in two years, so a dude from City Lights is my next best option.

Wait, maybe I should just try my luck with The Jonas Brothers' little brother, Frankie the "Bonus Jonas." Hmmm. Actually nah, no thanks, I'm not really into fatties. LOL I'M SUCH A BITCH!!!

Those dudes in City Lights have everything I could ever want in a guy:

Dude #1) Mmmm, I like those tattoos. Are they real? THEY ARE?!?!?! WOW!!! Did you tattoo them YOURSELF??? YOU DID?!?!?! WOW!!! Were you blindfolded when you did that??? YOU WERE?!?!?! I could tell.

Dude #2) Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm! I love zombies. I like that scare you got on your neck/throat from when the local townspeople tried to decapitate you. I am so happy you changed your zombie ways. You used to try to eat peoples brains with your bare hands BUT NOW YOU just turn peoples brains into moosh with your shitty music. +2 Kudos!

Dude #3) A shirt with 3 buttons BUT YOU choose to only button one and keep the other two unbuttoned? OH. MY. GOD. You are bad news, I can just tell. How about you and I go steal a car together? After we steal the car, can we run over all of your bands equipment? That would rock!

Dude #4) Meh.

Dude #5) Oh, you are a BRAWNY MAN! I like you most! That lumberjack shirt is sooooo hot and your facial hair is making my anus WET! BRING ON THE KY HIS 'N HERS PLEASURES JELLY SQUEEZE TUBE! I LIKE YOU BEST!!! Call me!!!!!

ME: Hey buddy, I am mad hungry. You wanna come with me to McDonnies? I love those fuckin SNACK WRAPS bro. Come to Mickey Deez with me man. After McDonald's, we can head over to our local Urban Outfitter so we can purchase $80 shirts and $200 skinny leg jeans.

WATER BRO: Na sorry bro, no can do. Can't go. Me and my band are going to be WAY too busy standing around in water all day. Standing in water for no reason is totally cool and my band is cool.

ME: Oh shit, I didn't know you started a band. What are you guys called?

WATER BRO: We are called Bears and Bright Lights.

ME: Awesome! When is your next show?

WATER BRO: I don't know, we had to cancel a bunch of our shows because we think it's a better career move to just stand around in water all day. Fuck playing live, standing in water is where it is really at. You understand what I mean, right?

ME: Oh yea, totally, that is fuckin ARTSY as hell. I think the fans will really connect with you. The scene needs more ARTSY bands like you guys.

WATER BRO: Dude, standing around in water for no reason at all is the definition of ARTSY. Water is seriously so symbolic man. It symbolizes change. Water goes through so many changes. From liquid, to solid, to vapor - water is the epitomal symbol for metamorphosis and philosophical recycling.

ME: Dude, your poetry speaks to me. May I stand next to you in the water for no reason what-so-ever?

WATER BRO: Only if you let us play at your little brothers birthday party...

ME: My little brother is turning 2 years old though, I don't think he even likes music yet.

WATER BRO: Dude, my band stands in water all day long, for no reason at all. How could he not like us?!?!?!?!!!!!

Do you guys like that tween RAWK sensation called The Boy and His Machine yet?

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - Hey boy, can I feel your machine.

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - Umm, plz let go of my wang...

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - Twat, I CUNT hear you!!!

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - Yes you can, your face is less than an inch away from my face and it is creeping me the fuck out braaa

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - French kiss me.

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - Oh shit, I would but I just realized that I got work tonight at Hot Topic!

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - But bra, we got a show tonight, just call out!

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - I can't man, it is Friday night and you know how WACKY the HT gets on Friday nights. SOrRy D00der. Just cancel the show, or better yet, just plug in some huge ass speakers into your iPod while it is playing a Hit the Lights CD. The crowd won't even know the difference man.

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - Dude, you are TOTES right, we DO sound JUST LIKE Hit The Lights. Holy shit! WE ROCK!!!!@!1!!

(INSERT CHEST BUMP HERE)

Oi vay! I fuckin' hate that band/girl/project/mistake/whatever called Lights. She is so fuckin' AH-nnoying! This bitch straight up looks like an Austin Powers movie REJECT. I fuckin hate her style (but I do love her old navy shirt lololol).

Excuse me, may I please borrow your space laser gun? I would like to shoot myself in the fuckin' ears for listening to your terrible music.

Excuse me miss, why do you have that smirk on your face? Oh, I see. You are smirking because you enjoy the fact that people want to shoot their fuckin' ears with a space laser gun after they listen to your music. You are a heartless person.

But for real though, can I borrow that fuckin ugly hipster headband? My ears are bleeding uncontrollably right now and I think your headband could be used as a band-aid or something. I don't know, aren't you supposed to apply pressure to a wound that is bleeding? Fuck. Why did you make me shoot my ears. I am so0o0o0o0o0o mad at you!!! I hope I am better for PROM. Fuck.

WTF?????? You listen to Hit The Lights????? WTF????? They suck!!

The holidays are here and we are just about done with 2008. It is that time of year again, time for every idiot music site out there to release their top 10 from the past 365 days (who cares, yo). We are no different than those assholes (we are trendy nerdz); the following is OURRRR top 10 releases of 2008. We do it a bit different here though; these are the 10 releases from 2008 that made us contemplate punching the shit out of a huge bee hive because getting stung by 1,000+ bees is a better feeling than listening to the following releases from 2008:

10. Dear and the Headlights - Drunk Like Bible Times
09. Houston Calls - The End of an Error...
08. The Morning Light - The Morning Light
07. Anberlin - New Surrender
06. Hey Monday - Hold On Tight
05. The Years Gone By - Forever Comes Too Soon
04. Fall of Troy - Phantom of the Horizon
03. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular
02. Artist Vs Poet - Artist Vs Poet
01. Forever the Sickest Kids - Underdog Alma Mater

Those releases, oh man, I would rather have my ball sack stung by a million bees than listen to the albums on that list again.

Wait, scratch that, I would rather have the bees rip open my ball sack with their stingers, enter my ball sack, and sting my actual balls a zillion times. Fuck, that sounds more appealing than listening to those tunes on that top 10 list. Can't wait until 2009.

Dear Surge Soda,

Miss you so much. We haven't talked in years, figured I'd write you a letter to let you know how shit is going.

Ever since you left us, planet Earth has turned to hell, omgz global warming, all the ice is melting, da polar bears are crying hard as hellll. But that news is NOTHING compared to how bad da music "scene" has been since you bounced. We now have bands like The Maine, 3oh!3, Family Force 5, Hit The Lights, and A Rocket To The Moon. Lyke, gag me with a sp00000n. kjdskjfdskjdsj (that wuz me throwing up on my Macbeth shoez)

Are all these shitty bands around because the human race just gave up all hope since Surge Soda left us? Maybe global warming is happening because of all of the shitty music sound waves that are trapped within the earths atmosphere and stuffzzz.

I am scared for 2009. Will Obama save us from da music? Will Obama start a band? Will his self titled 7inch go for 500 euro on ebay? Will his vinyl be limited edition hand numbered from 1 to 69. LOL at 69, obama is so funny for picking the number 69. Obama, you go boy!

In closing, Surge Soda, please get at Obama (send him a TXT message or some shit) and ask him to bring you back, this world needs you and your citrus explosion of flavor. Jus sayin'

Sincerely,
FuckThatBand.com Staff

Has anyone ever seen the CD cover from that band (chick) called Lights???? Is that April O'Neil from Ninja Turtles???!!!! Fuck man, that is awesome. How much Ninja Turtle dick do you think she gets? More importantly, do you think she ever hooked up with Splinter? Splinter is a total DILF. What about Shredder? Did she get with him??? Hmmmmm. Does Casey Jones really have a small dick??? These are questions that I need answered ASAP. I know that Lights knows. Tell me!!! I am going to go on a hunger strike until I find out the answers. No more pizza until I know the truth.

In other news, I would rather have unprotected sex with Bebop and Rocksteady than listen to Lights. Ya know what I mean? KOWABUNGA DUDE!!!!!!!

Earlier this week, Hit The Lights announced that they will be shooting a music video for one of their latest songs called "Drop the Girl." I really hope that this video has nothing to do with "dropping girls" and has everything to do with "dropping their instruments." I am hoping for a video where they drop their instruments right in the path of a steam roller and it smashes the hell out of their stuff. Just the thought of Hit the Lights not being able to play their instruments anymore, it gives me such a happy feeling inside. Hit The Lights? More like Shit The Lights! Jus' sayin'

Doghouse Records (who?) has signed The Bigger Lights (who?) a few weeks back. Congratulations to all idiots involved in this decision. But seriously though, the one dude from this band looks like that one dude (Christian Siriano) from Project Runway who coined the catchphrase "That's fierce!" In closing, The Bigger Lights, far from fierce. Ya feel me?

Shitty tour alert: I give you the Verizon Wireless College Tour 2008. The tour is going on from late September until middle October. What jerks are on the tour, you ask? Boys Like Girls, Cute is What We Aim For, and Lights. All three bands suck, but, ya know, ITS COLLEGE BRO!!!! DUDE COLLEGE IS KICK ASS, IM GONNA JOIN A FRAT!!! If you want to go to one of the shows to boo and heckle Boys Like Girls, check out their MySpace for all the dates. Also, when you see them, ask the sleeping idiot why he was sleeping during the photo shoot. Derrrrrrrrrr.