THIS JUST IN: The band called Brand New is set to star in the remake of Saturday Night Fever! Front man Jesse McCartney, I mean Jesse Lacey, John Travolta's illegitimate son, will play the part of John Travolta, I mean, John "Silly Putty Arms" "Douche In A White Suit" BeeGees.

Prom season is not too far away. I really hope that my prom date will dress like Brand New /John Travolta/ Jesse McCartney/ Jesse Lacey/ The BeeGees. Vintage is so in right now. My grandpa's clothes are the only things I wear to school. Brand New obviously raided their grandfather's closet for their latest promo. I can't wait to smell them when I see them in concert soon. I hope it smells like mothballs and scotch. That is what my grand pa-pee smells like. I love my grand daddy. He is chill as fuck. He listens to Jay-Z and shit.

I remember this one time my grandpa, he got drunk while listening to Jay-Z and cut me with a shank he made when he was in prison. I wiped up all the blood with my mom's favorite bath towels, she was sooooo pissed (probz had her period, my mom always has her period, skank).

Speaking of periods, what does Brand New do when they get their periods and they are wearing those ALL WHITE SUITS and shit? I could never wear all white when I get my period. Red stains totally are unattractive and I have been known to SPOT GALLONS.

But for real, I want to date the members of Brand New so bad. Do you think they would be creeped out if they saw I had period stains all over my clothing? Do you think Jesse Lacey would still "get with me" even if I had my period? Jesse Lacey can put a stop to my period IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'. I would love to not have my period for 9 months and then have a BRAND NEW baby afterwards. Babies are the ultimate accessory. They are even more hip than iPods and Amazon Kindles and shit.

P.S. Moar BRAND NEW posts can be found HERE and HERE and HERE so get your reading boner hard as fuck. SPOILER ALERT: THE POSTS ARE NOT FUNNY (but you knew that so stop acting all surprised and shit cuz we aint buyin' it).

Dear Mom,

I am writing you this letter from TOUR!!! Tour has been AMAZING!!! Here are some highlights:

*Our tour van broke down and it took the tow truck dude over 5 hours to find us in Montana!!! AWESOME!!!

*It cost us $2,000 to repair the tour van!!! AWESOME!!!

*Yesterday we played in front of 4 people!!! AWESOME!!!

*Today we played in front of 3 people!!! AWESOME!!!

*Tomorrow's show is canceled!!! AWESOME!!!

*At every show I always say into the mic "if you know the words to this one, sing along" and as always, not a soul sings along!!! AWESOME!!!

*At every show I always say into the mic "I need your help with this one guys, this is the part where you guys clap like this, watch me clap" and as always, not a soul claps with me!!! AWESOME!!!

*At every show I always say into the mic "if you guys want to talk to us, we will be at our merch table after this set" and as always, not a soul comes over!!! AWESOME!!!

Wait, hold on Mom. BRB our van is getting broken into. One sec.

(One Hour Later)

K, I'm back. Our van got stolen. You might be wondering where are we going to sleep now that our van is MIA? It's ok, I purchased a sick ass shark tent with my last $20 bucks from WalMart. We are all going to sleep inside the shark tent from now on.

But without the van, I am not sure how we can possibly get to our next "gig" that is 12 hours away... Whenever you get a chance, can you please contact DJ Rossstar and tell him about the PayPal donation account we are setting up. If you could ask him to promote it via his Twitter account; that might really help us out with $$$. Everyone loves donating to bands via PayPal. Am I right? Ok, gotta ZZZZZZ inside the shark tent now. I love the shark tent. We might do an acoustic show inside the shark tent one day. Could be epic!

Love,
Your son

P.S. I forgot to tell you, I might take this upcoming fall semester off to "do more shit" with the band. I think this year is going to be OUR YEAR!!! Hey, if Brand New made it, we sure as hell can!!! (Brand New burn? Yea, pretty much...)

Today is a new day. It is time for us to experiment. Want to listen to some new music? Sure! Music rocks! I love music more than my boyfriend!!!!! (shhhhhhh don't tell him I said that, I am kinda afraid he might go Chris Brown on me)

Ok before I listen to music, let me try these toothpicks all my friends are chatting about. Here I go, I am trying these brand new Bacon Flavored Toothpicks. Wait, Bacon Flavored Toothpicks? TOOTHPICK FAIL! These toothpicks straight up taste like a Frat Dudes throw up after he pounded some cheap b33r and ate a shit ton of Slim Jims.

(In other news, Bacon Flavored Toothpicks? insert cliche/generic 'cop/pig/bacon' joke here)

Ok, now that I have a terrible taste in my mouth, let me try to see if I can make my ears get a huge ear boner. It's time for me to listen to this band called Mansions. I stole this CD from my boyfriend (shhhhhhh don't tell him I stole his Mansions CD, I am kinda afraid he might go Chris Brown on me) But for realsies though, this Mansions album iz totalz MUSIC FAIL! FAILzorZzZz! This music sounds hideous (for lack of a better word).

The tunes kinda sound like a really shitty combination of Straylight Run, Brand New, and Jamison Parker. No thank you. Do not want. Would rather drink cheap booze/Slim Jim frat d00de throw up than listen to Mansions.

P.S. I know this post is long, but so iz mah clit. LOLZ. Don't H8.

I always hated this CD cover so much. Just in case you live under a rock and don't recognize the picture I am speaking about, it is the cover of the most recent release from Brand New called "The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me."

Why do I hate the cover of this release so much, you ask? I will tell you why, it totally reminds me of that M. Night Shyamalan movie called THE VILLAGE. Doesn't it? Yea it does. Wait, you never saw THE VILLAGE? You are a fuckin liar. Every asshole saw that shit. I fuckin hate M. Night Shyamalan movies. God, and don't even get me started on Brand New's music, hate that shit so0o00oo0ooo much. Hated you guys when there were chess pieces on the cover, hated you guys when there was an astronaut on the cover, still hate you with Halloween costumes on the cover.

(start lame girl dialogue) But like, omg, when I turned 18 the first song I listened to on my Zune was "Soco Amaretto Lime" by Brand New. Those lyrics were so meaningful to me. (insert really bad 16 year old girl singing voice) I'm gonna stay 18 forever. So we can stay like this forever. Woooo! Jesse Lacey is hawtttttt!!! (end lame girl dialogue)

(start smart person dialogue) Shut. The. Fuck. Up. (end smart person dialogue)

(start lame girl dialogue) How rude! (end lame girl dialogue)

(start smart person dialogue) That's what SHEEEEEEEEEEE said!!!! (end smart person dialogue)

P.S. Love you so much stephanie tanner plz marry me.

Brand New has some new merchandise up in their online store.

In other news, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Brand New shirt. I wouldn’t even care if I was lost and naked in the woods of Alaska; in the middle of the winter. I wouldn’t care if the only thing that could save my life was a "sick ass" Brand New hoodie. I would rather die than wear a Brand New hoodie.

Bro, dude, you don’t like that song Jude Law And A Semester Abroad???? That is the tight shit!!!!

No motherfucker, I don’t like that song and they don’t even sound like that anymore so GET OVER IT!!!!