I made a sex tape with an old girlfriend/ boyfriend/ pet/ blow up doll/ once. It was really good. I was all like "oh" and we were getting into nasty positions. I'm talkin' missionary, doggy-style, that other one, piledriver, powerbomb, the Ron Jeremy, the Stone Cold Stunner, the Glamour Killz, etc etc.

Once I broke up with my girlfriend, I shopped the tape around to some PURR-NOO companies. I got several offers, like some in the 5 figures. I went back to watch the tape one last time before I sold it. I realized that my g/f was playing some music on her ipod during our sex session. She had a playlist on and one of the songs (while I was orgasming, actually) was by Vega Under Fire!!! I instantly went into a rage. I smashed the tape up and burned it.

A few days after the tape was destroyed, I went soul-searching for 43 months in the desert. The only thing I brought was a mirror, and for 42 months, I couldn't look in it. How could I orgasm to Vega Under Fire?!?!?! How could I?!?!?! What kind of person does that make me?!>!>!?! Will I ever be a good person again??!>!? I never found the answer to that question... and I probably never will...

Thank you to Vega Under Fire for ruining my life.