Have you ever heard of the "FF DP Milk 2,000 Gallon Challenge?" It is a physical challenge that is sweeping the nation in which a single person attempts to drink 1,000 gallons of milk mixed with a 1,000 gallons of Dr. Pepper within one minute without vomiting. And the person needs to be listening to Fight Fair while he/she/it is drinking the Dr. Pepper-milk stuff. Here are the rules:

* The entire 2,000 gallons must be consumed within the course of one minute.

* If one vomits, one is disqualified.

* If one stops listening to Fight Fair, one is disqualified.

If it wasn't for the whole "you gotta listen to Fight Fair" thing, this game would be EASY PEASY but man, every time I listen to Fight Fair, I just can't help but throw up all over the place. Even if I haven't eaten anything in days, I just start throwing up my insides. Man, that band is totes UNCOOL.

P.S. Is the beach still cool? Should I start a band and take "promo" pics on the beach? I love the beach. The beach is so chill. Can you pass that Corona? This Jimmy Buffett CD is siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick, bro! He's like talking, brah, about partying and drinking and the ocean and the beach and shit. Insane. It's like he read my mind. Jimmy RULES! Are you a Jimmy fan like me?

For another Jimmy post, click here.

THIS JUST IN: The band called Brand New is set to star in the remake of Saturday Night Fever! Front man Jesse McCartney, I mean Jesse Lacey, John Travolta's illegitimate son, will play the part of John Travolta, I mean, John "Silly Putty Arms" "Douche In A White Suit" BeeGees.

Prom season is not too far away. I really hope that my prom date will dress like Brand New /John Travolta/ Jesse McCartney/ Jesse Lacey/ The BeeGees. Vintage is so in right now. My grandpa's clothes are the only things I wear to school. Brand New obviously raided their grandfather's closet for their latest promo. I can't wait to smell them when I see them in concert soon. I hope it smells like mothballs and scotch. That is what my grand pa-pee smells like. I love my grand daddy. He is chill as fuck. He listens to Jay-Z and shit.

I remember this one time my grandpa, he got drunk while listening to Jay-Z and cut me with a shank he made when he was in prison. I wiped up all the blood with my mom's favorite bath towels, she was sooooo pissed (probz had her period, my mom always has her period, skank).

Speaking of periods, what does Brand New do when they get their periods and they are wearing those ALL WHITE SUITS and shit? I could never wear all white when I get my period. Red stains totally are unattractive and I have been known to SPOT GALLONS.

But for real, I want to date the members of Brand New so bad. Do you think they would be creeped out if they saw I had period stains all over my clothing? Do you think Jesse Lacey would still "get with me" even if I had my period? Jesse Lacey can put a stop to my period IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'. I would love to not have my period for 9 months and then have a BRAND NEW baby afterwards. Babies are the ultimate accessory. They are even more hip than iPods and Amazon Kindles and shit.

P.S. Moar BRAND NEW posts can be found HERE and HERE and HERE so get your reading boner hard as fuck. SPOILER ALERT: THE POSTS ARE NOT FUNNY (but you knew that so stop acting all surprised and shit cuz we aint buyin' it).

I am kinda nervous right now. There is all this talk about Swine Flu here in the United States of America em-MUR-ica. I am desperately trying my hardest to not get sick. I am too young to die.

Everyone I know is very conscious about their health lately, well, everyone but this guy from the ska/funk band called Hit the Lights. I'm not really sure what is wrong with him but I am scared as hell!!! The inside of his mouth has some sort of an infection growing!!! Is that some sort of contagious mold?!?! Not only does he HAVE a contagious mold growing in his mouth, BUT, he is SHOWING IT OFF?!?!?! Punk kidz R so0o0o0 strange-sauce!!!1!

I'll tell you what, you see that mold growing on the inside of his lip? Well, I would rather have that shit growing ALL OVER MY BODY than listen to one second of Hit the Lights. No joke.

But for realz, does anyone have any advice on how I can stay healthy and not catch Swine Flu or some other contagious diseases (i.e. mold growing on the inner part of my bottom lip)?

Here is what I got so far:

-Limited washing my hands to once a once a week

-Drink hand sanitizer

-Sneeze on my friends and cough on them

-Lick the wrestling mats at my high school after the wrestlers got done with practice

-Read the bible

I am pretty sure all that shit should keep me safe but DID I MISS ANY??? I need to stay alive because being alive is CHILL AS SHIT MAN. Agree/Disagree?

Do you guys like that tween RAWK sensation called The Boy and His Machine yet?

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - Hey boy, can I feel your machine.

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - Umm, plz let go of my wang...

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - Twat, I CUNT hear you!!!

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - Yes you can, your face is less than an inch away from my face and it is creeping me the fuck out braaa

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - French kiss me.

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - Oh shit, I would but I just realized that I got work tonight at Hot Topic!

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - But bra, we got a show tonight, just call out!

PURPLE SHIRT DUDE - I can't man, it is Friday night and you know how WACKY the HT gets on Friday nights. SOrRy D00der. Just cancel the show, or better yet, just plug in some huge ass speakers into your iPod while it is playing a Hit the Lights CD. The crowd won't even know the difference man.

ZIP UP HOODIE GUY - Dude, you are TOTES right, we DO sound JUST LIKE Hit The Lights. Holy shit! WE ROCK!!!!@!1!!

(INSERT CHEST BUMP HERE)

Dear Mom,

I am writing you this letter from TOUR!!! Tour has been AMAZING!!! Here are some highlights:

*Our tour van broke down and it took the tow truck dude over 5 hours to find us in Montana!!! AWESOME!!!

*It cost us $2,000 to repair the tour van!!! AWESOME!!!

*Yesterday we played in front of 4 people!!! AWESOME!!!

*Today we played in front of 3 people!!! AWESOME!!!

*Tomorrow's show is canceled!!! AWESOME!!!

*At every show I always say into the mic "if you know the words to this one, sing along" and as always, not a soul sings along!!! AWESOME!!!

*At every show I always say into the mic "I need your help with this one guys, this is the part where you guys clap like this, watch me clap" and as always, not a soul claps with me!!! AWESOME!!!

*At every show I always say into the mic "if you guys want to talk to us, we will be at our merch table after this set" and as always, not a soul comes over!!! AWESOME!!!

Wait, hold on Mom. BRB our van is getting broken into. One sec.

(One Hour Later)

K, I'm back. Our van got stolen. You might be wondering where are we going to sleep now that our van is MIA? It's ok, I purchased a sick ass shark tent with my last $20 bucks from WalMart. We are all going to sleep inside the shark tent from now on.

But without the van, I am not sure how we can possibly get to our next "gig" that is 12 hours away... Whenever you get a chance, can you please contact DJ Rossstar and tell him about the PayPal donation account we are setting up. If you could ask him to promote it via his Twitter account; that might really help us out with $$$. Everyone loves donating to bands via PayPal. Am I right? Ok, gotta ZZZZZZ inside the shark tent now. I love the shark tent. We might do an acoustic show inside the shark tent one day. Could be epic!

Love,
Your son

P.S. I forgot to tell you, I might take this upcoming fall semester off to "do more shit" with the band. I think this year is going to be OUR YEAR!!! Hey, if Brand New made it, we sure as hell can!!! (Brand New burn? Yea, pretty much...)

Dear Honor Bright,

Bam Margera called, he said he really wants to be in your band. He thinks he will fit in pretty well... because he is a fuckin' dork and you guyz are fuckin' dorks, too. Match made in Heaven. Nah mean?

Love,
FuckThatBand.com

P.S. Holy shit, Viva La Bam is on MTV right now!!! ZOMGZZZZZ I HAVE A BONERRRRRR!!!! HOLLER AT MY BONERRRRR!!!!

Yo guys! Great news!!! The Secret Handshake is coming out with a new album. It is going to be called "My Name Up in Lights" and it is coming out April 21st, 2009. Make sure you visit all your favorite punk rock online retail stores (FartPunk and InterJunk) to buy this CD. Or you can go to Burger King and ask the cashier for the CD. I heard Burger King will be selling this shit. Fuck ya man! Throw that CD in my 10 dollar Oreo Milkshake mannn! Drink that shit up baby boy!!!

But for real, what will this new Secret Handshake release sound like, you ask? I am 100 percent positive that it will sound something like the noises that Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy would make if they were having sex.

Music by The Secret Handshake = really disturbing and extremely unnecessary.

But for reals though, does anyone know where I can see some Kermit the Frog / Miss Piggy p0rn??? I love me some Kermit / Piggy purr-no. I kinda feel like getting ma jerk off. We all need a day off to J off. Hell, I need a week off to get my freak off! Does that make me creepy? Do you want to get creepy with me???

Wow, wait a second! This is actually a pretty awkward post. I hope my mom doesn't read my blog. I hope my dad doesn't read my blog. I hope my Christian Youth Pastor doesn't read my blog. I hope my Rabbi (RAH-bye) doesn't read my blog; he would probably cancel my bar mitzvah. Fuck. I hate life. I hate punk rock. Punk rock ruined my life. Punk rock is the down fall of this country. LOL? Yes, LOL!

Today is a new day. It is time for us to experiment. Want to listen to some new music? Sure! Music rocks! I love music more than my boyfriend!!!!! (shhhhhhh don't tell him I said that, I am kinda afraid he might go Chris Brown on me)

Ok before I listen to music, let me try these toothpicks all my friends are chatting about. Here I go, I am trying these brand new Bacon Flavored Toothpicks. Wait, Bacon Flavored Toothpicks? TOOTHPICK FAIL! These toothpicks straight up taste like a Frat Dudes throw up after he pounded some cheap b33r and ate a shit ton of Slim Jims.

(In other news, Bacon Flavored Toothpicks? insert cliche/generic 'cop/pig/bacon' joke here)

Ok, now that I have a terrible taste in my mouth, let me try to see if I can make my ears get a huge ear boner. It's time for me to listen to this band called Mansions. I stole this CD from my boyfriend (shhhhhhh don't tell him I stole his Mansions CD, I am kinda afraid he might go Chris Brown on me) But for realsies though, this Mansions album iz totalz MUSIC FAIL! FAILzorZzZz! This music sounds hideous (for lack of a better word).

The tunes kinda sound like a really shitty combination of Straylight Run, Brand New, and Jamison Parker. No thank you. Do not want. Would rather drink cheap booze/Slim Jim frat d00de throw up than listen to Mansions.

P.S. I know this post is long, but so iz mah clit. LOLZ. Don't H8.

WTF?????? You listen to Hit The Lights????? WTF????? They suck!!

Oh no, The Secret Handshake pissed off the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Donetello seems really mad. Wowzers.

Have you ever heard of this indie flick actor named Johnny Depp? Chances are, you don't know who he is. He has been in a few movies that did terrible in da box office (Pirates of the Caribbean, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Da Secret Microsoft Windowz).

Rumor has it that Mr. Depp has quit acting and decided to get his music boner wet by joining the band called As Tall as Lions. Wait, you never heard of As Tall as Lions? Don't worry, you are not missing out. The shit totally brings the yawn. So boring.

WARNING: DO NOT LISTEN TO AS TALL AS LIONS WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING YOUR CAR BECAUSE YOU WILL FALL ASLEEP AND PROBABLY CRASH YOUR CAR. Jus sayin'

You know how bad it hurts when you order a steaming hot pizza pie from Dominos and you take a bite and you burn the hell out of your tongue? It feels like shit, am I right? Well, when I listen to Fireworks, it feels like I stuck 5 or 6 slices of scolding hot pizza directly into my ears.

In other news, the dudes in Fireworks totally look like a bunch of pizza delivery dudes. Well, actually, they kinda ARE like pizza delivery dudes, only instead of delivering pizza, they deliver shitty music. OOOOOOOO ZING. ZING ZING. Did you just order 3 slices of ZING and a small order of OMG??? Yes you did. And don't worry about the $$$, this one is on da house. You're welcome.

You know what DOESN'T exist but I wish DID exist? Dogs with cheeseburger feet.

You know what DOES exist that I wish DIDN'T exist? The latest release from Fight Fair.

For realz, no joke. Fugg Fight Fair. LOL. K bye bye.

Apparently, people fighting with balloons... that is the latest craze. Everyone in "da scene" is lining up in front of party stores everywhere so they can purchase oodles and oodles of balloons for their bands next photo shoot.

Here is the thing though, balloons are smarter than punk rawkers give them credit for. Example, check out the picture above of the band called Represent. Dude, those balloons do not want to be associated with your shitty music. Can you NOT see the look on their faces?!?! Can you NOT see the look in their eyes?!?!1?! They are clearly not happy to share the JPEG with you. They clearly do not want you uploading that promo pic on ur shitty Flickr account or ur crappy myspace pageZorz.

In other balloon news, have you seen the balloon photo shoot with the band Fireworks? No, you haven't????? Oh shit. CLICK HERE for even more balloons looking really pissed off at band members. When will da punk rawkers learn? Da balloonz, they no like UR muzik!!!!1!!! Shaaaa... like... whatever!!!!!!

I always hated this CD cover so much. Just in case you live under a rock and don't recognize the picture I am speaking about, it is the cover of the most recent release from Brand New called "The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me."

Why do I hate the cover of this release so much, you ask? I will tell you why, it totally reminds me of that M. Night Shyamalan movie called THE VILLAGE. Doesn't it? Yea it does. Wait, you never saw THE VILLAGE? You are a fuckin liar. Every asshole saw that shit. I fuckin hate M. Night Shyamalan movies. God, and don't even get me started on Brand New's music, hate that shit so0o00oo0ooo much. Hated you guys when there were chess pieces on the cover, hated you guys when there was an astronaut on the cover, still hate you with Halloween costumes on the cover.

(start lame girl dialogue) But like, omg, when I turned 18 the first song I listened to on my Zune was "Soco Amaretto Lime" by Brand New. Those lyrics were so meaningful to me. (insert really bad 16 year old girl singing voice) I'm gonna stay 18 forever. So we can stay like this forever. Woooo! Jesse Lacey is hawtttttt!!! (end lame girl dialogue)

(start smart person dialogue) Shut. The. Fuck. Up. (end smart person dialogue)

(start lame girl dialogue) How rude! (end lame girl dialogue)

(start smart person dialogue) That's what SHEEEEEEEEEEE said!!!! (end smart person dialogue)

P.S. Love you so much stephanie tanner plz marry me.

Dear Surge Soda,

Miss you so much. We haven't talked in years, figured I'd write you a letter to let you know how shit is going.

Ever since you left us, planet Earth has turned to hell, omgz global warming, all the ice is melting, da polar bears are crying hard as hellll. But that news is NOTHING compared to how bad da music "scene" has been since you bounced. We now have bands like The Maine, 3oh!3, Family Force 5, Hit The Lights, and A Rocket To The Moon. Lyke, gag me with a sp00000n. kjdskjfdskjdsj (that wuz me throwing up on my Macbeth shoez)

Are all these shitty bands around because the human race just gave up all hope since Surge Soda left us? Maybe global warming is happening because of all of the shitty music sound waves that are trapped within the earths atmosphere and stuffzzz.

I am scared for 2009. Will Obama save us from da music? Will Obama start a band? Will his self titled 7inch go for 500 euro on ebay? Will his vinyl be limited edition hand numbered from 1 to 69. LOL at 69, obama is so funny for picking the number 69. Obama, you go boy!

In closing, Surge Soda, please get at Obama (send him a TXT message or some shit) and ask him to bring you back, this world needs you and your citrus explosion of flavor. Jus sayin'

Sincerely,
FuckThatBand.com Staff

The Secret Handshake is currently in the studio RIGHT NOW working on a new album. OMG TOTAL BONER KILL. I am going to make a prediction; the album will be as lame as those glasses. Who in their right mind would ever wear those hideous glasses?!?!?! Oh, that's right, The Secret Handshake would. My bad. But for realz though, I am totally syked to hear the new T-Pain album, I mean Secret Handshake album, I mean T-Pain album, I mean Secret Handshake album, I mean T-Pain album, I mean Secret Handshake album, I mean T-Pain album, I mean Secret Handshake album, I mean T-Pain... ah whatever, the scene is dead, thank you Triple Crown Records.

Here is a great picture of a pack of wild balloons trying so desperately to get away from the band called Fireworks. I don't blame the balloons, have you heard the new stuff from Fireworks? I did. It sucked. The end.

Brand New has some new merchandise up in their online store.

In other news, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Brand New shirt. I wouldn’t even care if I was lost and naked in the woods of Alaska; in the middle of the winter. I wouldn’t care if the only thing that could save my life was a "sick ass" Brand New hoodie. I would rather die than wear a Brand New hoodie.

Bro, dude, you don’t like that song Jude Law And A Semester Abroad???? That is the tight shit!!!!

No motherfucker, I don’t like that song and they don’t even sound like that anymore so GET OVER IT!!!!

Earlier this week, Hit The Lights announced that they will be shooting a music video for one of their latest songs called "Drop the Girl." I really hope that this video has nothing to do with "dropping girls" and has everything to do with "dropping their instruments." I am hoping for a video where they drop their instruments right in the path of a steam roller and it smashes the hell out of their stuff. Just the thought of Hit the Lights not being able to play their instruments anymore, it gives me such a happy feeling inside. Hit The Lights? More like Shit The Lights! Jus' sayin'

Spock called and said that the dude from The Secret Handshake better stop doing his hand thing because it just makes him look really lame... speaking of lame... have you heard The Secret Handshake? The shit is beyond lame.