Gallows. OMG. I want to get a palm tattoo. I almost got a matching palm tattoo with my mom but then SUPER LAST SECOND she and I decided to get matching pussy clit rings. I kinda regret not getting the palm tattoo now that I see that some dude in Gallows has one. Dammit.

Maybe I will just get a palm tattoo next year for my birthday. My dad said he would get me whatever I wanted for my 18th birthday and he always calls me daddy's little princess. Let me give him a call and ask him if I can get a palm tattoo next year.

(30 MINUTES LATER)

Ok, he and I talked it over and he mentioned that he was a bit jealous about how me and mom have matching puss rings so dad and I decided to get matching dick rings.

I heard getting a dick ring hurts so0o0o0o0o much but I think I can handle the pain. I think the real hard part will be letting it heal... I might have to quick jerking off for a few weeks after. That will be almost impossible because every time Gallows pops up on my iPad, I cannot help but jerk furiously. I don't know. I might have to handcuff my hands to my bed or something. Anyone know where I can buy handcuffs??????

UGH!!! Being a girl is so00o0 hard. Bleh.

In other news, CLICK HERE FOR ANOTHER GALLOWS POST. You are welcome, suckas.

Hey punkers! Do you like watching TV sometimes or does watching TV make you less "punk?" Is that "hit"/"lol" NBC/ABC comedy called "Scrubs" a cool show? I think the one girl named Sarah Chalke (Dr. Elliot Reid) is now in a "punk" band called Sing It Loud. Do you think that was a good career move for her? Should she have quit "Scrubs" to pursue punk rock?

YOU: Scrubs?!?!?! I never heard of that show. The only "scrubbing" I do is scrubbing my puss puss with sandpaper and handsoap cuz CRABS is a bitch. Agree/disagree??

ME: Dude, totes AGREE!!! We here at FuckThatBand.com know that CRABS is a total buzz kill but I think I know a way you can get "clean" again. Maybe if you listen to Sing It Loud, your dick warts will disappear. I mean, Sing It Loud's music sounds like dirty private parts (if dirty private parts made "music") and you obviously were messing around with some dirty private parts (i.e. smelly vah jay jay or smelly wanker doo doos), so... as the old saying goes... use the hair of the dog that bit you. Nah meanz?

P.S. For an even less funny post (impossible?) that has to do with Sing It Loud, click here.

Fuck you 2009 and fuck you decade. What the fuck did 2000-2009 bring us??? LAME SHIT!!! You want an example of lame shit... have you ever heard of the bands called Motion City Soundtrack and Cartel??? Of course you know of them. We here at FuckThatBand.com have officially named those two bands as the 2 WORST BANDS OF THE DECADE. Time for all you scenie weenies to throw your bracelets out.

You know who we are naming the BEST BAND OF THE DECADE??? ACE OF FUCKIN BASE!!!

Everyone needs to thank their lucky stars for Ace of Base. I am so glad that they broke into the punk scene during this decade. The 2000s would not be the same without them. If it wasn't for them, lots of shit would not have been invented.

Ace of Base invented the following things in the 2000s:

* Mosh pits
* Fueled by Ramen
* Bamboozle
* Vans Warped Tour
* Rob Dobi
* Jnco Jeans
* DJ Rossstar
* President Obama
* Pringles Potato Chips
* New Era 59Fifty Fitted Hats
* Planet Earth
* Your moms dirty pussy
* Alter The Press!
* WWE Monday Night Raw
* Scene Trash Magazine

So let me ask you this, what the fuck has Motion City Soundtrack and Cartel invented? What have they contributed to this decade? Not a fuckin thing but shitty ass music. PSHH.

And now, I leave you with some meaningful Ace of Base lyrics:

"I saw the sign
and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign
and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up
to get into the light where you belong...
But where do you belong?"

Well said, well said. It is almost as if Ace of Base cut my brain out of my skull and stole my thoughts! Get out of my head ACE OF BASE! I miss REAL PUNK ROCK. I hope REAL PUNK ROCK makes a come back soon :-(

Thank you Ace of Base for making this the best decade in the history of music.

P.S. Does anyone know where we can get Ace of Base bracelets? Ace of Base bracelets are a fashion MUST HAVE for 2010.

I wish I could hang out with all of the millions of fans of FuckThatBand.com. Wait, did I say millions? I meant to say zillions. Or maybe even BA-JILLIONS. Not sure of the exact traffic of this site, my google analytics got a virus or something (insert web 2.0 techy lolz here).

But seriously, what would you and I do if we "chilled" together for a night? Shit man. Let me tell you. We would start the night off by having sex with bubble gum, duh! We would make sure we were wearing white shirts of course so we could see all the bubble gum jizz all over us. Bubble gum jizz, big in 2K10. Fuck yah.

Wait. You never had sex with bubble gum before???

Well, if you are from the USA, you probably never have had sex with bubble gum before but if you are from the UK, you probably have!

Apparently, if you go "over the pond" to "the You Kay" it is becoming "teh KEWL THING" to do. It is pretty fuckin "artsy”" bro. Get artsy! Gettin' artsy is big in 2k10. Shit man.

I am not sure if having sex with bubble gum is healthy though. I feel like is I smeared gum all over my pussy, the sugary ingredients might give me a serious yeast infection, and let me tell you... YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND ME WHEN I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. We ladies HATE yeast infections. Can I get a hell ya? (insert HELL YEA here, plz)

You know what else I hate (even more than yeast infections)? I hate the band called You Me at Six. That band makes some terrible music. If a yeast infection could turn into music, it would turn into the music by You Me at Six.

"But dude, You Me At Six are fuckin rock stars, I saw them on the cover of Kerrang! Give them a chance yo!"

Did you just say Kerrang!? News flash: No. One. Reads. Kerrang. Because. It. Is. Fuckin. Boring.

In other news, huge congrats to my boys in You Me at Six for winning "Best British Band" at the 2008 and 2009 Kerrang! Awards. Mad props to ma dawgz.

In an effort to attract more "metalcore heads" and "dirty dudes" to FuckThatBand.com, we are going to make a post about the top 2 things that "metalcore dudes" enjoy the most:

1. The "sport" called WWE Wrestling
2. The "music" by Every Time I Die

Let's take a moment to blog about the cheesiest wrestler of all time, Jake the Motherfucking Snake Roberts. Jake would bring a live snake out to the ring. When you first saw that you were all like "OH SHIT MAN." And then you thought to yourself "THAT SNAKE IS GOING TO FUCKIN EAT PEOPLE" but once you realized that it never ate anyone, it got real boring, real fast.

Speaking of shit getting really boring really fast, let's talk about Every Time I Die. Put it this way, I would rather have Jake the Snake perform the DDT on me than listen to one second of Every Time I Die. BUT WAIT, THERZ MOAR... I would rather have Jake teh Snake stick his snake up my asshole if it meant I would never have to listen to Every Time I Die again. Just sayin'

In other news, have you heard that new CD by Every Time I Die called "New Junk Aesthetic" or whatever? That shit sounds like an even shittier version of CKY (or cKy or ckY or however you write it). CKY sucks, Bam Margera can suck ma dick. Whatever. zzzz.

For another wrestling related post, CLICK HERE.

Ok, gotta go now and check out LAMBGOAT.COM cuz that site knows about "good" music. LOL. Best site ever. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL.

I would rather have sex with a half dog half horse thing than get a New Found Glory or a Forever the Sickest Kids tatty. Man. Just sayin.

In other "having sex with a horse" news, have you seen 2 Guys 1 Horse/Mr Hands??? Shit is pretty artsy/cool. Don't know what I am talkin about? Google it. U WONT. lol? YES PLZ!

Set Your Goals sneakers? Now I think I have seen it all. Do you want to run faster? Do you want to jump higher? Do you want to score more ON and OFF the court? If you answered YES to at least one of those questions, you should NOT WEAR THESE SHOES!!! They will make you even MORE LAME than you ALREADY ARE!!!

Who... the... FUCK... would ever want to wear sneakers that say Set Your Goals on them?

Not me.

"Whoa, what is that smell?! Did someone step in dog shit?!"

Nope. No one did. That smell is coming from that kid over there who is wearing those Set Your Goals sneakers. No matter how clean those sneakers are, they will FOREVER smell like dog shit (or dog piss at the very least). Just sayin'

In other news, those weird toe shoe things, they are called FiveFingers Shoes. Google that shit so you can order a pair and FUCKIN OWN THE MOSH PIT!!!

Did you guys hear the news? My 16 year old neighbor is in some serious DOO DOO right now!!! He got drunk with all his Junior Varsity Football buddies and took his mom's car out for a drive without asking her. They drove to White Castle for those new pulled pork sandwiches. Anyways, long story short, he crashed the car into a the local pet store!!! He has to pay lots of money for the damage and he owes like 2 thousand dollars to the police (oink!) because they gave him 6 different tickets.

His shitty luck is MY GAIN... he is selling all of his shit in an effort to raise the money in a timely fashion. He sold me tons of CDs and DVDs. Seriously 3 boxes filled to the brim for only 15 dollars!!! There has to be at least 100 DVDs here and at least 50 Cds. I started watching/listening to some of the stuff, check out some reviews:

*Home Alone DVD - movie sucked, I was kinda sad when the burglars killed Kevin. I didn't see that coming. At least that creepy old guy who throws the salt everywhere got a chance to French kiss Kevin before the burglars killed him.

*The Higher (It's Only Natural) CD – I think I heard this music playing at COSTCO last week when I was getting my SHOP ON. The tracks on this shit are pretty painful. When I sunk my teeth into this release, it felt as if I was sinking my teeth into a fuckin chainsaw that was on. Painful is an understatement. Plz stop this R&B shit. Plz.

*Walt Disney's Bambi (2-Disc Special Edition) DVD – This was actually an awesome movie. It sucked at first when Bambi's mom died but then it was cool as hell when she came back as a ghost and burned the whole forest down. Walt Disney doesn't fuck around.

*Sparks the Rescue (Eyes to the Sun) CD – the music on this CD kinda sounds like those weird noises I was making when I "accidentally" put a hamster up my butt. Sparks the Rescue? Do. Not. Want. But seriously though, if you or anyone you know is selling a hamster, get at me ASAP. Just sayin. Maybe I'll check craigslist? I don't know though, don't people die every day from craigslist related shit????

*Planet of the Apes DVD – I didn't get a chance to watch this movie yet, but I think it is safe to say that this movie is 100 times more entertaining than any music The Higher or Sparks the Rescue puts out. Zing? Ya, zing!

Ok, gotta go watch Planet of the Apes now. I love me some Sci-Fi p0rn. Hope to see some Monkey b00biez!!!1!!!

Here is some HARRY POTTER news for all you BOOK PUNX out there. This just in: Ron Weasley has shed his cookie-cutter Harry Potter image and joined the English punk rawk band called Gallows.

You will recognize Ron by his surgically enhanced middle finger, which he had lengthened and strengthened to permanently face outward.

Ron's new fuck-you-'tude is backed by 4 fellow band members, including the president of Set Your Goals' fan club.

Their first single by Gallows was panned by critics, resulting in a harsh caning of those critics by Ron's older brother Percy, pictured second from left.

Percy is following in younger brother Ron's body-modification-footsteps, and has had all of his teeth removed so his mouth now looks like a giant black hole.

For up-to-the-minute-news about the Gallows. Check out their shitty twitter page. Actually, I have no fuckin' idea if they do have a twitter page but I mean, come on, every asshole has a twitter page (even RANCID has a fuckin Twitter lololol), so I am sure if you google hard enough, you will find a twitter for Gallows.

Hey guyz and dollz! Thanks for checking out my awesome blog and shit. Ok, here is a "props" post. I gotta sometimes give "props" and "big ups" to my boyz in Set Your Goals. Generic jumping picture... Great... Just... Great... I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE. Kewl points!

I am kinda bummed though that only 2 of them are wearing shorts :-( The others are wearing pants. Pants are not sexy, yo. Total bummer but I guess pants DOOOOO leave more to the imagination :-) Wink wink insert clit boner here.

I wonder if the members wearing pants have hairy legs or smooth legs?? But for realsies though, smooth legs are SO IN RIGHT NOW. You have no idea how bad I want to Bic all of their legs using my bare teeth and make them silky smooth. I would floss with their leg hair. I would floss with their upper leg hair and hope that it was their pubes. I would "jam out" to their amazingly AMAZING "Mutinty!" album while gettin' my floss on.

P.S. I'm so horny. Hit me up on StickAM if u wanna see me do naughty/gross shitttttt.

LOL @ the dudes in Rancid. They just love giving the finger. Dude, look at them, they just flicked off the camera (this would most likely be the 75th time today they have done so). You're so bad ass. You guys define PUNK RAWK.

But can I get real for a second? In regards to members of Rancid flipping off their fingers... the only thing this band needs to be flipping is burgers at their local Burger King.

Ruuuuuby ruuuuuby rubbbby rubbbby SOHO LOLZ.

P.S. Do you like the Mac & Cheese at Burger King?

Fuck! Fuck! I am so pissed right now! I have to get this off my chest.

I was totally shopping today on Equalvision.com looking for a new Fall of Troy belt, Chiodos hoodie or a Sky Eats Airplane CD. (Just kidding! Who buys CDs anymore! I steal dat shit from the internet! UP THE PUNX!)

Anyway I saw that this band called CIV named their new record "Set Your Goals." They totally stole the album name from my favorite punk hardcore straightedge grindcore ska band called Set Your Goals. Damm, Set Your Goals has been a band WAYYYYY before CIV so I just think it is sooooooo rude that CIV would steal their name like that. No respect. What the hell! I'm so pissed. I can't wait until I'm 16 so I can drive to a CIV show just to kick their A$$!

P.S. Thank God no one has taken any names from The Misfits.

Dear Set Your Goals,

I hate it when you guys say "If you know the words to this song, sing along!" No I don't know the words to your song and if I did know the words to it, I would totally hate myself forever because you guys suck so hard.

Just sayin'

U MAD?

Ok, gotta go cry my eyes out because I heard Have Heart is breaking up. LOL LOL LOL!!!!

Love,
FuckThatBand.com

Rumor has it that McDonalds has recently announced a brand new item on their menu, it is called the "Michael Jackson McBurger." Unconfirmed sources have told us that this delicious menu newcomer consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns. Stop in at any local participating McDonalds this weekend to try the burger; first 69 customers will receive a signed copy of Michael Jackson's new band's CD. Oh wait, you didn't know that he was in a band? Yeah, he is. He is in a band called Escape the Fate.

In other news, Escape the Fate sucks so fuckin bad. Would rather "spend the night" with Michael Jackson than listen to their tunes. Fuckin garbage. Hell hell hell hell hell shit shit shit shit shit hell hell hell piss piss piss.

If you own a snuggie, you probably listen to Every Time I Die. Mosh hard!

What is more annoying, the latest release from Sing It Loud or that crazy ass dude from those ShamWow commercials?!?! Real hard question, right? Ughhhhh.

This polar bear heard that you were a fan of Set Your Goals so he was all like OH HELLL NAAAAAA and now he is trying to come in and bite you cuz you listen to bad music.

Last night, my neighbors' car alarm started going off at three in the morning, causing all the dogs on the block to join in and howl along.

I can't complain though. I would rather listen to all of that noise for 10 straight nights than listen to 10 straight seconds of anything from New Found Glory.

Jus sayin' doodz.

Oh noes, I hope da international superheroes of hardcore aren't mad at me. LOLZ CAPTAIN STRAIGHT EDGE TEE HEE HEE HEE.

Every time you listen to I Set My Friends On Fire, this panda bear refuses to eat his food. What if he starves to death???

Please stop listening to I Set My Friends On Fire. If you stop listening then this panda bear will FINALLY start to eat his bamboo. No one wants to see this panda bear continue to go hungry. Ammmmm eyeeee riiiiite?

Life is so confusing. I have so many questions. Can you help me answer the questions that are boggling my mind right now?

1. Thursday is still a band? I am guessing yes since they are on the cover of this month's Alternative Press Magazine. Thursday is shit. U mad?

2. People actually still read Alternative Press MagazineZorZ? Aren't magazines so fuckin 1999? That magazine is shit. U mad?

3. Speaking of shit, how come every time I take a shit, I always have to look at the toilet paper right after I wipe my ass to check out what color my poop is? Ammi weird 2 da max or are you guilty of that crime too? Just be honest with me, I promise I won't tell anyone.

I need these questions answered ASAP. Maybe I need one of those magic 8 balls (lol, I said balls)? Maybe I should take one of those "Which Sex and the City Character are you?" quizzes on teh internetz. Maybe that quiz is all I need? Hope the quiz doesn't say I am Miranda, she is so0o0o0o00oooo boring!!!

P.S. Check out this LOL old ass video on VIMEO of Thursday playing live back in da year 2000. I didn't even know punk rawk existed back then. Get ur LOLZ on.

I think I am getting too fat. All I do all day is watch movies (omg NetFlix, so addicting) and eat chicken McNuggets (fuck da chicken selects). I decided to give my boy Satan an instant message by logging onto my good ole Ouija board. I asked him if he knew a way for me to lose weight. He told me maybe I should try to get into the eating disorder known as Bulimia. I told him that it is really hard for me to throw up. He told me to log onto myspace.com right now and check out the main page where they were talking about Bring Me the Horizon. He said that if their new music video did not make me throw up, nothing will.

The devil was right. I threw up. A lot. Big thank you to Bring Me the Horizon, I will be skinny enough in no time. I just need to get thin before May; that is when PROM is. I want to look good in my slutty dress. You know what I mean?

If anyone from Bring Me the Horizon is reading this post, will you come to the prom with me???!!! I will bring anyone in the band except for that one guy who looks just like Kermit the frog. Oh, and for your information, yes, I am a BITCH! B is for Beautiful. I is for Intelligent. T is for Talented. C is for Charming. H is for Hot. Ok? Peace the fuck out LOSERZ. <3 U / H8 U

I see that From First to Last are selling their latest CD at many mom and pop stores (iTunes, Target, Wal-Mart, BestBuy, etc) but I was wondering when they were going to get their CD in the best mom and pop store in the world... Starbucks!

Every time I walk into Starbucks, I can't help but imagine how great it would be to be able to purchase their CD at the front counter. I would mosh with the CD in my one hand and in the other would be my Chai Creme Frappuccino, size Grande plz, wait, actually, make it a Venti, need a Venti to really get through the morning successfully (totally hate 8am classes, h8 college so much).

But for real, I want to take this moment to give a shout out to the band From First to Last, they be reppin' the mom and pop stores 24/7 and that is chill as hell in my book. Mad love/respect. Everyone go out and support iTunes, Target, Wal-Mart, and BestBuy. One love.

And also, someone plz contact Starbucks headquarters ASAP. Those dudes have to sponsor my boys in From First to Last. Imagine a Starbucks drink named after that band? How about the "From First to Last Chocolate Brownie Explosion Frappuccino Mosh" drink. This would be a Mocha Frappuccino with chocolate chunks and dog shit blended in, served with whipped cream, ketchup, and a drizzle of Taco Bell Mild sauce on top. MMMMMMMM, that sounds as appealing as the music From First to Last puts out. 0o0o0o burn? Yes burn. xoxox

If you find yourself at a New Years Eve party this year and you seriously HATE everyone there, here is a sure fire way to ruin the lives of every soul at the shin dig: all you have to do is put some Sky Eats Airplane on the stereo. Once all the peeps at the par-tay hear that bands music, they will all be like "My stomach has that sick/vomity feeling to it from all da drinking I have been doing but that feeling is heaven compared to what my ears feel like as I am listening to Sky Eats Airplanez (my earz feel like they are being ripped to shreds by a Rottweiler with rabies)."

I mean come on, this band is from Texas. Eww. Garbage comes out of Texas: Forever the Sickest Kids (omg call me!), Dallas Cowboys (superbowl champs 2k9? LoL jk), Stone Cold Steve Austin (gimmie da stunner plz), Lance Armstrong (love those live strong bracelets though, lol), Patrick Swayze (so0o hawt), and Play Radio Play (zzzz).

But huge congratulations to Sky Eats Airplane for releasing their second full length album on Shitty Vision Records, lots of total hotties are saying it is THE WOOT. The CD is called "Sky Eats Airplane"... how original. But I guess self-titled albums are all the rage these days. If From First to Last can do it, so can Sky Eats Airplane I guess. Oh shit, look at the time, One Tree Hill is on, gotta run. Bye bye.

Everyone keeps chatting about a hardcore band from the UK (where?). They are called Bring Me the Horizon. Should I be a proper gentleman and give them a listen? Or should I continue to watch Degrassi on TV?!?!?! Fuck. So many decisions in life! McDonalds or Burger King, Coke or Pepsi, midget porn or weird anime porn? Hmmmm. Ok, fine. You convinced me, I will give them a listen. Here I go.

The band is called Bring Me the Horizon, please change your name. How about BRING ME THE GOOD MUSIC? These dudes sound worse than Every Time I Die (is that possible?). Have you ever seen that WILL IT BLEND video on youtube where the people put an iPhone in a blender to see if it will get destroyed? Well, the noise the blender makes, that is what the band sounds like.

In other news, I cannot believe that Kermit the Frog would join this band. Jim Henson would NOT approve of this move.

Kool-Aid seriously tastes like piss. Every time I drink the garbage, my internal organs start yelling at me; they start calling me an asshole for subjecting them to that poison. I can just feel my teeth rotting as I have the Kool-Aid in my mouth. Kool-Aid seriously puts me on the edge of my seat, toilet seat that is!!!!!!!!!!

Ironically, I get the EXACT SAME feeling throughout my entire body when I listen to New Found Glory. The urge to throw up is beyond uncontrollable. Old school New Found Glory, new school New Found Glory, it is all sewage to me. So you can imagine the mega LOLZ that I had when I found out that New Found Glory totally had a Kool-Aid parody shirt for all the kiddies to purchase on their webstore. Mega lolz (insert cliche Kool-Aid man "OH YEAH" catch phrase here)

MOM: Take that shirt off right now!!!

SON: Dude!!! U R embarrassing me in front of my iPod!!!

MOM: I am not a dude, I am your mother!!! And who the fuck cares about that iPod, its a fuckin Nano for gods sake!!! And please, for the love of god, you better not be listening to I Set My Friends On Fire right now while I am yelling at you!!!

SON: You just don't understand my need to be an individual and my need to listen to experimental screamo where the dude who yells totally sounds like an obnoxious asshole with a sore throat couching up blood.

MOM: You are only 13 years old; you are not aloud to wear that I Set My Friends On Fire tee shirt while you are living under MY roof!!! That band fucking sucks!!!

SON: Dad would let me if he was still around!!!

MOM: Enough with the "Dad this" and "Dad that" talk!!! Do you want to know why Dad left us?!?!?! He left us because he was humiliated every single day at the office and it was all because of you!!! Your father's coworkers would constantly make fun of him, saying things like "Your son listens to I Set My Friends On Fire, what do you know you idiot" and "You will never get that promotion because your son listens to I Set My Friends On Fire you idiot!" It is all your fault that your father is all gone, it is all your fault that now we have to sell the house!!! I wish you never started listening to I Set My Friends On Fire!!! CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED!!!!!!!!!!

SON: Christmas is canceled??!?!1!! What!!! So that means that Santa wont bring me the newest Grand Theft Auto game?!?!? So this means that Santa wont get me a new pair of Macbeth sneakers?!?!?! FUCK!!! I HATE MYSELF FOR LISTENING TO I SET MY FRIENDS ON FIRE!!!!!!! BEING A TEENAGER SUCKS!!!!

I would like to take a hot second to talk about The Higher. The singer sorta looks like Porky Pig. That is all I have to say. (wait, no punch line?)... Nope, not today. As Porky would say: THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

In Motion City Soundtrack news: the one dude from the band totally looks like that one kid from "The Sandlot" and shit.

Put it this way, I would rather be hit in the head with a baseball bat and eaten by that big ass dog in "The Sandlot" than listen to Motion Shitty Soundtrack. For realz.

Thursday is currently in da studioz recording a brand new album. I know... who cares... but here is the kEwL (lame) part: Thursday has gone web 2.0 on my ass and they got themselves a Twitter account! If for some strange reason you actually give two shits, you can keep up to date with the recording process via their Twitter.com account dudeee. They have some incredibly exciting posts on there, don't believe me? Here are two examples, "Gonna give it a go for a second time! My voice better be working today" and "Geoff is tearing it up in the vocal booth" etc etc etc yawn etc etc etc etc fart etc etc etc. How could we NOT want to follow their twitter? Action, exhilaration, and so much more! FOR REALSIES! (not)