Merry fuckin' Christmas. Xmas was a few days ago and I am still fuming. I am just so mad at my parents. They knew I wanted a Nintendo DSI but instead they got me a fuckin DOG!!! A real one, not a toy. I never once in my 12 years of being alive told them that I wanted a puppy. I would rather get the latest release from Close To Home than get a fuckin dog (I hate Close To Home so much, jus sayin'). Being 12 years old SUCKS! Can't wait until I am 13! FUCK YA!

Anyways, to help me get some of the anger out of me, I will blog about how much I hate this dog. Here are the top 5 things I hate about my new dog. This has been the worst few days of my life.

1. EVERYTHING is edible. This dog has eaten all my shit. He even ate my Vicodin. I am so mad. I need my Vicodin.

2. Do not fill the water bowl all the way or water will be everywhere. Trust me. Dogs just don't know how to drink properly (idiots). I slipped on the water and fell really hard on my breast implants. I hope I didn't burst the left one, I feel like it might have? I don't know. Maybe I should have went bigger than DD cup? Maybe if my tits were bigger they would have been better protected if I fell.

3. Puppies bite. A lot. This puppy keeps biting my tits. I am in such pain. Wish I had my Vicodin.

4. Puppies tend to get excited, run, and then slide uncontrollably across my hardwood floor. I hate the sound of him scratching up the floor when his nails are scampering across the floor, the noise is soo0o annoying. It sounds almost like the noise (music?) that the band Close To Home makes. And we know how bad Close To Home's music is so obviously I can't stand it when the dog makes that noise with his feet.

5. BEWARE! His poop looks like oatmeal cookies. Trust me. I tried it (more than once). Is my dick supposed to feel all tingly after eating dog shit? My penis has never felt this way before and I am not sure if this is a side effect of whatever chemicals are inside of dog shit? I might hit up WedMD for some answers in a bit.

UPDATE: Good news, I finally was able to give my dog away to my neighbor. He is a fan of shitty things and he has a SHITTY THINGS collection in his basement. His basement is filled with shitty things like Ray-Ban Sunglasses, Vespa Scooters, Close To Home merch, Ed Hardy shirts and hats, Rosetta Stone Language Learning Cds, and now he can add my fuckin ex-dog to the pile of crap.

P.S. I hate that band Close To Home so much. I am not sure if I mentioned it or not in this post. Did I? I am too lazy to scroll up and read what I already wrote. Plus my tits and my dick hurt so like I said before, I think I might hit up WebMD for some info. PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST!