Yesterday my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was happy to tell her but before I went on about what I wanted, I felt it was extremely important to tell her exactly what I didn't want. The following is my DO NOT FUCKING BUY ME THIS GARBAGE FOR CHRISTMAS list.

Do not get me any merchandise or CDs from the band Danger Radio. Mom, I would rather listen to you and dad have sex than listen to their music.

Do not get me a fucking Huffy bike. Mom, you are an asshole if you do that. You know that all my friends ride Mongoose Bikes hard as hell, so you best get Mongoose or so help me god.

Do not get me anything from the band 3OH!3. Mom, remember when I said that I would rather listen to you and dad have sex than listen to Danger Radio music? Well, I would rather actually have sex with you and dad than listen to 3OH!3 music.

And last but not least, mom, don't get me an Official SAT Study Guide. I told you before, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE!!! I got it all planned out, I sent my bands demo to Drive Thru Records already. I know they are going to sign us. I mean, come on, they signed Socratic for gods sake. Getting signed cant be THAT hard. I cannot wait to tour as soon as I graduate high school. Junior year SUXXXXXX but I am the co-captain of the JV bowling team so that is pretty chill.